My best friend of 15 years instantly came to mind when I was trying to think of a person who is choosing to be "childless." This is a topic we actually have discussed pretty frequently over the last 4-5 years. I will call her Lily for the publicity of this blog. You see, she grew up with a younger sister in a pretty loving, Christian home...dysfunction did exist though. So much so that it has caused her to intentionally create distance from her family after highschool. I believe that her childhood/teen years played a strong role in her decisions as an adult today. Lily has a brilliant mind and has accomplished amazing things academically and career wise. She holds three degrees, 2 of which are masters and has great ambition in her interests in a career internationally. She has lived in several places around the states, as well as Armenia, and most currently, Tripoli, Libya. She is under contract working there and loves her job. Culturally, it was a major adjustment to live long term but if anyone was up for the challenge it was her. Her strong sense of self and smarts have helped her to adapt in male dominated societies and achieve success in the corporate world. She is very knowledgeable about religion and a variety of ethnicities. These assets help her everyday. She loves her life and what she does but once in awhile finds herself longing for something different, something she hasn't experienced....a family.
Her career doesn't come with much stability in one place nor opportunity to meet and sustain healthy relationships that meet her standards for what she would be looking for in a life partner. Dating is one thing, but husband material is another. I suppose this depends on where you are in life as to what you are looking for in a partner. Lily and I talk all the time but don't get to actually see each other much....
When we finally are able to be in the same zip code, family mode kicks in for her. Lily says, "I wish I had what you have." Prior to divorcing, I had a stable family life and 2 kids. That is what she saw. A sense of "normal." Her idea of a normal family was probably wacky to someone else. Part of her internal battle is wanting to pursue her career goals but sacrificing time and opportunity for a family or to "settle down." Her grandmother, age 92, constantly asks Lily in her British voice, "when will you find a nice Christian man and settle down and have a baby Lily?" This question has been asked as many times as you change your socks so her and I can just laugh about it now. At one point in her twenties, LIly believed that she would be fine if she never had kids and kept her focus on her career and maybe did finally settle down with someone who could keep up with her one day. Now as we get closer to thirty and majority of our friends have married and had kids, she gets bit by that bug....funny that it happens just in the nick of time before she jets off on her new adventure. In her heart, she talks about wanting that dream life with a family but in reality she recognizes her contentment with the path she is on. Maybe by some miraculous event, that special someone will come around and she will get to experience the best of both worlds....granny would be delighted! Until then, "live and enjoy what you have."
Wow I really wish her all the best she seem like a busy women, and am sure one day god will give her that nice man and kids when the time is right. Am sure god have a plan for her he have one for all of as am one of this people that not really good with kids so I always tell my mom I don’t really want kids and she always say don’t say that but when I hear people talking about their kids all the good sweet stuff it makes me want them one day.
ReplyDeleteThis is an Awesome post. Your friend seems like she is very dedicated to her career, and there is nothing wrong with it. I have decided to stay childless for at least 4 years after I have gotten married and finished my schooling. I want to allow myself to adjust to life after college and build a career, also to become financially stable to start a family. I relate to your friend, like her I too, was raised in a particularly religious family,I do not know if I would call it broken, but because my mother decided to get married young hand have children young we struggled. I am the 4th child out of five. Because my mother did not have the monetary means to provide for us we ended up in shelters and moved around a lot; my mother broke her back working 3 jobs to care for 5 children, I lost most of my childhood having to help my grandmother watch my sister.
ReplyDeleteI eventually want to have children, but if I know that I will not be able to adequately care for my family I would never think about bring a child into the world until I am ready.It is important that women can support themselves be independent and I admire your friends ambition and her want live an exciting life maybe having a child is not for her.
Kitara Wright